Ramen Girl's Rants & Raves

Girls, the movie house is not a sorority house or a bar.

We may not have the most kick ass movie theatre in my town but it’s the only one that we’ve got right now. So when The Avengers was finally showing and despite my argument of waiting for a Blu-Ray copy to watch, we decided to go on a movie date instead. With no guaranteed seating option, we arrived 30 minutes early and even caught the last part of the movie before the credits rolled and recognizing Thanos grinning menacingly post credits.

My preferred seats were already taken so we had to settle for the ones behind it. We is basically me and Noodle Boy. But we didn’t let the seats ruin the night and get to the movie buffs in us so we just waited until two-thirds into the movie when the guys sitting in our seats stood up to leave. I’m guessing that was the part they came in and didn’t bother to finish the movie anymore obviously because they’ve seen how it ended. Pfft. Seriously, who does that? Okay so maybe they weren’t as passionate about movies as we are. And hello? It’s THE AVENGERS.

Anyway, so were watching the trailers and previews a few minutes before the movie started when a couple of girls came in. The movie house was pretty dark and in my mind, I could picture a couple of college chics doing a girls’ movie/night out. They were giggling and if I should say, pretty darn annoying blabbering and ignoring the fact that people, ahem, like us care about trailers so we would know what to keep an eye on and what to watch for in the coming months. Yes, we watch movies A LOT. 

So back to the monkey chatter I can’t help but overhear, when Noodle Boy nudged me and I looked at him just in time to see him roll his eyes. I gripped his hand (Yup, we still hold hands when watching movies! Jealous?) then bit my lip resisting the urge to yell at the girls to shut them up. This went on for a couple of more annoying minutes that seemed to trigger the onset of a migraine attack. I closed my eyes and opened them as soon as I heard the narration at the beginning of the movie proper. 

Then to my horror, the girls were still yapping! Oh crap! The next thing I knew,  Noodle Boy and I turned at the same time and shushed them… ever so loudly that I think the whole theatre heard it. Satisfied with their immediate silence, I smiled and enjoyed the rest of the movie.

I just don’t understand why some people don’t observe etiquette in movie houses. I mean, come on. Even the realization that it’s dark should automatically mean STOP TALKING! I mean, I do talk to whoever I am with at the movies but at least I make an effort to tone down my decibels. You guys know that I TALK VERY LOUD! :D So yeah, being a ‘shusher’ at the movie house is me just politely asking people to shut the hell up already.

You know what, I don’t mean to be a killjoy by shushing you when you’re having such a grand time out with your friends but really, you don’t need people around you to hear whatever it is you are talking about. Like mistaking Thanos for Hellboy. Srsly? Hellboy in outer space? The worse part is, when I finally saw who the girls were, I had to stifle a laugh because they were pretty much older than us and yes, we recognized them. Then Noodle Boy had to say it. “No wonder these girls are still single/unmarried/no husbands.” If you know what I mean. Tee hee. Hellboy, huh!? *snickers* 

So guys, have you shushed someone at the movies, too? Or have you gone ahead and punched someone’s light out instead (which I would have done if I were hungry at that time)? :D

Oh God Why. The Fat Ass.

There’s so many things missing in my life right now and I have a long list in my head. I don’t know how soon can I start ticking off or crashing out each one to raise my level of happiness. It’s like the longer the list grows, the less happy I become. I am for a fact able to control my happiness by being content with what I have. It’s been a life’s mantra for me that happiness is more or less measured by the contentment you have in life. And I’ve been doing that ever since like forever.

However, when the things missing (needs and wants, more of wants really) happen to make everyday life easier, it becomes a whole new different story for without them, life seems to be more physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging. Okay, let’s talk concrete. Take for example. A computer chair. My 6-year-old computer chair finally decided it was time to retire (maybe because I gained weight and it can’t carry my butt for more than 12 hours anymore!) and one leg broke down which is unfix-able. The dilemma is getting a high quality chair that functions the way it’s supposed to. But I have requirements. Since I am quite heavy now and my back pains are killing me, I need the executive type one with the high back and arm rest and not just your average computer café swivel chair. So we’re looking at more or less 5 grand to be able to cross this off my list. The problem is where do I get 5 grand extra? Without a good chair, my tolerance in sitting in front of the computer has greatly decreased… and I can’t even begin to describe the things I could very well miss out when I’m offline. Me being the cyber child and all.

Ever since having a baby, I have mastered budgeting with the same amount of skill and luck as I can win Monopoly thrice in a row. So, the computer chair doesn’t quite make it to the Essential Things To Buy and therefore, it added to my growing list of Things To Buy Supposedly (TTBS) inside my brain. There’s also the need/want of a portable computer and the luxury of time to get work done and sleep to recharge. My son is turning 8 months old in a few days and the more he’s getting older, the more time he requires of me… so there goes my free time to work on my side-line online jobs, which again bites a big chunk of $$$ I could possibly earn to use in purchasing the TTBS. 

So okay, all that can be put aside really because I can try to work my contentment mantra and mask all those frustrations. What really bugs me big time is the fact that I CANNOT LOSE WEIGHT. They said breastfeeding helps, but no, not in my case. First off, I do not eat healthy. Never have. Never will. Let’s leave it at that.

I kept my size 4 anorexic pre-pregnancy figure with absolutely nothing. By nothing = NO FOOD. Yes, I do not usually pig out before and when I do, I make sure I count calories during the next couple of days that ensue. So my cheat days are usually in check with keeping weight gain very minimal. Of course, I also supplement with high doses of vitamins and antioxidants so I don’t kill myself and allow my body to function normally. But this requires a lot of “magic” which I cannot do while I’m currently breastfeeding. Now, I”m stuck at size 10 (8 during good days) and utterly unhappy about it. That Milking Cow nickname feels quite apt.

The worse part is that the more I think about all these things happening in my life, the more I want to eat. I’m a little depressed you could say that’s why I rebound on consuming more calories than I”m supposed to. How can I possibly expect to shed off pounds when I eat to feel better??? Ayayay. This is not good. THIS IS NOT GOOD.

I’m beginning to think that my WEIGHT is the root of all my troubles. Yes, it’s not MONEY or the lack of it. It’s really me tipping off the scale at slightly <130 lbs. My clothes won’t fit, which greatly annoys me. My body is too damn lazy, which gets on my nerves. And again, back to clothes, because I have nothing to wear. I’m tired of ransacking my mom’s closet for stuff that don’t fit her anymore and live with it for the mean time. No sense buying size 8/10 clothes! I don’t intend to stay this way!

Wearing size 36C bras help but still does no kindness to my back. My posture is suffering as I type this. I do not even relish getting my picture taken because no amount of photoshopping makes it or me look the way I used to. It’s like I’m in someone else’s skin… and it’s really not my size. I refuse to settle into this. Something needs to be done. Question is… WHEN???

I am needing to this off my chest so I’m posting this and hopefully come back in a few months and laugh this all off. For now, I think I’ll wallow my fat ass in extra creamy carbonara or 800mL of Chocolate Truffles. Then maybe get on with some food coma.

Monday Blues

And so today was like any other Monday, or so I thought. No work for me since it’s my rest day so I initially planned on sleeping the whole day. However, the exact opposite happened. I barely slept a wink!

I wouldn’t say it’s because Mikko has insisted that I breastfeed him the entire night, as I could easily doze off with him as soon as he shuts his eye. Unfortunately, I was wide awake until the sun rose high today. WTF! You could blame it partly on me browsing the web on the iPad and ingesting everything I could about Micro Four-Thirds. You see, when I get curious, I get really curious… (sans killing of the cat) and I learn. So it’s not all in vain. In fact, I was able to come up with a decision on what camera to buy next.

Which brings us to the beginning of Monday Blues… brought to you by my frustrations. First off, I miss taking pictures. Second, when I look in the mirror, I don’t even want to camwhore anymore. (‘coz I’m fat. blech.) And last but not the least, I’m broke. And I hate being broke this time. Why? Well, I’m running out of happy pills and with all the stress or work things that need to be done when you are raising a child, even time seems to be insufficient. I need more than 24 hours in a day. Should I move to another planet? [Trivia: Did you know that a day in Venus is not 24 hours but 5,832 hours?!? WHOA! That’s like 243 Earth days!!!]

Okay, back to my issues. So I don’t know which is worse. A) Having to cry myself to sleep. B) Having no money to spend on wants. C) Being extremely hungry with nothing to eat, mixed with not wanting to eat at all for fear of gaining weight. D) Wanting to sleep but can’t. E) All of the above. 

You might be thinking right now, “Oh puhleeasse! Those are mundane things you shouldn’t even be stressing yourself with!” But let me tell you this, “FUCK OFF! You’re not in my shoes!” But really, I am really feeling dispirited as of the moment. I just want to go on a vacation. But I can’t even afford to imagine it at the very least because I don’t have the luxury of time to daydream about it and when I do try, I get even more depressed knowing that it will never happen. Not now anyways.

So really, what is my problem? I don’t know. Just the case of the Monday Blues. Either that or I’m getting dehydrated or famished. If this were a desert, I’d be having a mirage by now. Is that an oasis I see? Or is that Liam Gallagher? Tee hee.

Anyways, maybe I should try lying down for a bit and see if I can successfully arrive in SlumberLand just in time to re-energize myself for the work week ahead. Haaiiizzz. Ang buhay… parang life.

If lying was a job, I know someone who would be a billionaire.

When you can’t be honest, you are just showing you’re inability to be an adult. Just recently, my family faced a rather disturbing incident. Not the kind you want to talk about really because after all, it can be summed up in just a word — BETRAYAL. 

The worst part is that the person behind all this is someone dear and close to us — someone you wouldn’t think in a million years (okay, maybe 10 years) would ever do such a thing. The lies you hear these days, it’s pathetic really. 

You familiar with the saying, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you”? Well, that is exactly what happened. I couldn’t for the life of me imagine doing anything drastic as to altering the course of my mother’s future by lying to her or more specifically, stealing from her. And not just her, basically from all of us here. Yes, I said stealing. Quite a heavy verb, is it? But can I be anymore blunt than the person who’s face is as thick as his butt?

I am not mad. I am really quite sad. How can one trade friendship for money? I thought it happens in movies only. But alas, there is a still a breed of people (or pigs?) that roam this Earth taking advantage of other people’s kindness. These unprincipled resourceful persons (aka opportunistic people) ought to be hanged or skinned alive to death. Nevertheless, I do believe in KARMA and am letting nature take its course. An eye for an eye, eh?

I guess it’s pretty much like the story of the old woman and the snake. Something that goes like this: 

An old woman was walking down the road when she saw a gang of thugs beating a poisonous snake. She screamed at the thugs and rescued the snake, taking it back to her home where she nursed it back to health.

One day on their way into town, the woman picked up the snake and he bit her repeatedly. “Oh God,” she screamed, “I am dying. I am dying!” She turned to the snake and looked it in the eyes. “I saved your life. I was your friend. I trusted you. Why did you bite me?”

The snake turned to face her as she drew he final breath and hissed, “What did you expect? You knew I was a snake when you took me home.”

It’s a rather befitting story to this uncanny and unfortunate event that has happened in the family. There are snakes even in places you’d never suspect. Like maybe right under your nose!

The worse part is when being confronted, this snake replied, “Hay labi manulis ko sa uban tawo?” As if that’s consoling??? I mean, seriously. No regrets and no remorse for what he did. Even trying to justify that he is not paid enough. Uh, hello? What are your qualifications to be paid more than you need to be? Do you have an MBA? What have you done to deserve a raise? Did you save anyone from drowning? And most importantly, are you even treated as an employee or are you being treated as part of the family?

Who works for half a day but paid for a full day’s work? Who gets paid even when a total no-show at work? Who gets paid vacations all the time? Who gets cash advances so easily and get loans WITHOUT interest? Who eats with us at the family table during lunch and gets gas and transportation for free? Who is being treated more like a son than a secretary? Who does this ungrateful pig think he is?

Familiarity does breed contempt, doesn’t it? I feel bad for everyone. For my parents. For myself. For my family. Even for the pig.

Stealing is never a solution. Falsification is not good. Estafa is a crime. Being lied to is bad but the fact that you’re stupid enough to believe it is even worse. Trust lost is hard to get back. Don’t expect to be believed. 

Now tell me… bitaw, naa paba kaha kay nawng ika atubang after all is said and done?

Disintegrating Relationships. Whatever happened to happily ever after?

After watching Blue Valentine, which I suggest you also do if you care enough about keeping relationships intact, I really have to say that the movie got me riveted. Although on a personal level, I cannot relate to the characters (thank God!) but I’ve seen many friends and loved ones go through disintegrating marriages lately. It’s not a pretty sight and if only I could do something about it.

A few days ago, Archie was telling me that had he listened to his dad about getting married at an early age (by that he meant his early 20s), he announced that by now his marriage has probably come to an end. I couldn’t help but agree because if I also had gotten hitched while I was at the height of my youth (by that I also mean my early 20s), then by now I’d probably be divorced or gotten my marriage annulled, and be a few hundred thousands poorer no thanks to having a “bonggacious” wedding and subsequently filing for an annulment. With maybe even a kid in tow…

But again, thank God, I’ve lived my life differently, just the way I wanted it to be.

So now I’m wondering why so many people are falling out of love and ending their marriages so soon? Whatever happened to happily ever after and til death do us part? I know you guys who are going through this are probably saying what do I know, right? Well, here’s what I DO know. I know that you made that vow to love each other in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse… TO THE DEATH. Or do you need to watch your wedding videos or flip through your wedding albums to remind yourselves that? But really, why are you giving up on your marriages? Sorry but I really cannot see any VALID reason why. Convince me.

I made a promise to myself in the recent years that when I love, I will refuse to let it die. And I even made this vow without tying a knot with someone. So how come married people are now suddenly deciding that they are so much better being single once more. WHAT THE FUCK, guys? Seriously. You shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place! You had a choice. You chose to get married, right? No one forced you to. Unless of course, you convinced yourself to do it because you needed security or you needed to save your face from getting knocked up and needing someone to father your kid. Puhleeaaase.

I mean, look at Brangelina. How many kids do they have? Are they married? See, you don’t have to make babies an excuse to get married. I really don’t know why people do that. Sometimes I make that joke when people ask, “When are you getting married?” I say, “ASAP. As soon as pregnant.” LOL!

I even know girls who married guys who aren’t even the fathers of their kids… just because they HAD TO be married and give the baby a last name. It’s disgusting. I also know girls who chose to keep their babies but did not get married… and I have high respect for them. At least they made a choice to be single moms and answered their responsibility. That’s more like it than marrying somebody because you got knocked up. It’s weird. Aren’t you supposed to get married because you love the guy you wanna be married to and you can’t live without him? I see no other reason why people should get married. Especially not because you’re pregnant. And all the more reason when you still want to do so many things with your life and are not ready to settle down! Because in the end, you’ll probably turn into a desperate housewife.

The reason why I am not married is different. It may be shallow but it’s a choice I’m making. I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with — *ahem* — Noodle Boy, are you there? But the only thing that’s holding me back is that I’m not ready to leave the comfort of my own home… for my own good. So in other words, I don’t care if you call me ridiculous or just plain selfish but hey, I’m not ready to suffer. I am comfortable where I am and I like to keep it that way. Unless Noodle Boy and I win ten million bucks then perhaps I’d be very comfortable living a life of our own. Otherwise, I would like to take things one at a time, build our fortune first, before jumping into that whole settling down point. I’m being REALISTIC here. It’s the most practical thing to do IMHO.

Every time people mention marriage to me and why I’m not yet there, all I see are the electric bills, the telephone and internet bills, the groceries, the maids’ wages, the laundry, the car maintenance, and the list goes on. I shudder at the thought. Yes, I am immature… but at least I’m mature enough not to be diving into waters that I cannot fathom. You dig? I’m safe at the beach and I don’t get jellyfish stings where I am.

What about maternal instincts? Don’t I want kids of my own? Yes, I do. Who doesn’t? But right now? Well, I don’t want to bring a kid into the world and not be able to give him or her the kind of life that I was privileged with. Let’s face it. I can barely survive on my own, how much more with another life to think about? Once I had this pet rabbit and I told myself if I can take care of this rabbit and he lives, I’ll be able to raise a child. Alas, the rabbit died. So go figure.

But if God will give me a kid even though I’m not ready yet, then I guess it’s time to move on. Hey, I can always change the way I live my life. It may not be the way I wanted it to be then, but if I had given God the pen to write my love story, then He has every right to continue directing my life. :) I have no objections to His Will. But as long as I can control how I live my life, then I try hard to live it the way I want it. Without hurting anyone or stepping on somebody’s shoes, and also giving love unconditionally. Because that’s what I think how we should all live our lives.

Abrupt end of rant.

Dreams… are made of???

Last nyt I dreamt I was cooking food. It looked something like arroz con pollo but I called it Terracotta. WTF! Terracotta is so not edible. And mind you, it had nothing to do with “terracotta pie”… If ya know what I’m talking about ;)

In other dreams, was also in a village with a bunch of high school kids who devised a plan that was so evil, they ended up killing everyone. Ok wait, it wasn’t gory at first. Here let me explain… The village was perfect. Think Stamford, CT. No crime, no nothing. The kids wanted to raise money. They hatched a plan to dress up as beggars and beg money. Think Slumdog millionaire. The rich people of course felt sorry for the kids and gave them money… Somehow in the end it got twisted and involved a bishop. WTF right?

It got all gory after I attended a wedding, supposedly that was doomed to last only 7 yrs because the groom failed to answer the bride’s Q. She asked him, “Are you still gonna love me if I grow fat and all after 7 yrs!?” He didn’t reply to that question… but only said “I love you”. Fast forward… She cut him open. As in sliced his chest. His innards came out and stuff.. The girl took out the internal organs and the killing spree began.

Somehow also in the dream my friend John, the magician, was asking if we should get our report cards. We’re not even classmates or schoolmates! And my arch nemesis (yes, that word) from school was now so skinny and elegant she looked nothing like the whale she actually resembles now.

Can I just go back to sleep but dream of that MacBook air? ~_~ Now I need to borrow a lappie again to finish uploading those videos for work.

I don’t want to be a murderer.

Here’s the thing… Raise your hand if you know someone who’s only alive because you don’t want to go to jail for killing them. Tee hee. Well, you get the picture, right? Even if you want to make the world a better place, you still have to consider that murder gives you XX years in jail.

But do you know that each one of us have committed murder in one way or another?

HA! Betcha most of you didn’t know that!

Let me ask you this… Have you ever hated anyone? Have you ever been so mad at someone that you couldn’t stop yourself from saying, “I hate you!” out loud and even felt like you meant every word of it? Well, you’re not alone. I, for one, am guilty of this. Recently, I threw a fit of rage or what is more commonly termed as a tantrum.  I remember the last time I had one of those was over 6 months ago.

Of course, the anger subsided and I was back to my bubbly old self again until I came across the biblical passage of John 3:15 which states, “Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer.” Not just your literal brother, okay? It could be your boss, your mother, your boyfriend, or that kid who annoys you all the time… well, it could be anyone really.

Truly if it were the case, then I am guilty as ever. But I do know that there are also countless of these kinds of murderers among us. When you speak ill of someone, aren’t you being a murderer, too? Apparently, murder is a sin and it goes without saying, when you sin then you are bound for hell. Eeeeek! I don’t want to go there! FML!

So what am I supposed to do if ever that situation arises once more? What if someone gets on my nerves again? I’m not perfect and I know as much as I try not to commit the same mistakes, sometimes, well, shit happens.

And then what? I DON’T WANT TO BE A MURDERER. What about you?

Actually, since my rumination about this a week or two ago, I have come to conclude of two things that can really be done with no amount of anger management needed:

1) As Paul (you know, the apostle) clearly shared with us… He said something in one of his letters that we should not be overcome by evil but instead we ought to overcome evil with good. Sounds easier said than done right? Well, I thought about it for a little while and in fact, this bit was written together with his message about revenge being God’s and not ours. Hmm…

So I guess there’s more to it than just a saying. The Bible actually didn’t instruct us to like everyone. I mean, really now… but it sends us a clear message that we should LOVE our brothers/neighbors. OMG. How can you possibly love someone who’s got guts you simply hate? Again, it boils down to a choice. You can choose to be angry. Or you can choose to forgive. Bottomline: God forgives. Jesus forgives. Why can’t us mere mortals do the same? In the back of my mind I thought, “Because we’re not either God or Jesus? Or because we’re just humans?” Then I stopped being a wise ass and just focused on one command, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

Bull’s eye. God knows how much I love myself. Maybe I should put all this vanity to good use… Share the love. To make the long story short. Whenever I start to get mad now, I don’t go through all those reasoning I just summed up above but just quietly ask myself, “Where is the love?” Then I breathe deeply and count to 10.

2) In relation to what I wrote earlier, I found out that the other thing that is most sensible to do (although I sometimes feel this should be No. 1 instead of 2) when I find myself fuming and consumed with hate, I pray. Who cares if I’m not entirely religious? Do prayers come with priority numbers or do they give the pious ones VIP passes to God? I’m pretty sure if I say a prayer with all my heart, God will hear it. It may not be answered ASAP, but if you just believe and do not underestimate the power of prayers, then you’re all set and good to go.

“Dear Lord, please give me patience… because if you give me strength, I just might strangle someone.”

See? Sometimes even a little humor does the trick.

But in the end, I just don’t want to be a murderer. And neither should any of you.

Can you imagine a world with no hate? I think only then can world peace exist. And by then, I think it will be another evolution of civilization or the human race. But for sure, I don’t think I’ll live long enough to see that. So I’m better off focusing on the NOW and saving my soul from the fires of hell.

Then again, if I truly want to be the change I want to see in the world… then I think I’m heading in the right direction. Wanna come with me? :)

Of kids and neurotic people

So today I went to church. I wasn’t with my parents this time nor with the Noodle Boy. I was late for church and had to stay near the door without seats. Wow! And I thought not a lot of people go to church on Sundays anymore! (Note: I go to church on Saturdays with my parents for the 6PM anticipated mass.) It wasn’t too bad since it was pretty overcast today although it was almost lunch time. Can you imagine if it was scorching hot? I would then be like Dracula getting his first rays of the sun. In other words, “Murag masunog jud siguro ko.” Literally.

And so during the sermon by Fr. Urbina (yes, I listened to the homily!), he was mentioning stuff about Edward and Bella, the Twilight characters, and how people seem to be obsessing about it and Bella wanting to be bitten by a vampire. Yes, the idea seems so wrong in so many levels. He made sense really and since I’m not a fan of Twilight, I concur. Don’t start defending you Twilighters, Twerds, Fanpires, Twihards or whatever you want to be called. I just can’t be bothered.

What did bother me was seeing kids running around like they were in a playground. Oh for chrissakes, it’s a church! I’m starting to like kids but seeing how parents (lucky for those who got yayas) run around chasing their little tots sent shivers down my spine. I can’t even imagine chasing my own little kid with my 3-inch heeled shoes around the church. ~_~ So anyways, it’s important to bring kids to church and introduce them to God and all, but why can’t these kids be more disciplined? I can’t blame kids for wanting to run amok against throngs of people, because if I were I kid I’d probably want to get lost in a maze, too. But I’m claustrophobic now and the sight of large masses gives me vertigo. Nax, I am getting old. Boo…

I tried to ignore these little monsters darlings and listened to the heavenly sound of the choir singing until one fat kid almost jumped on me! Waaaaaa! What the hell? The sweaty (stinky) kid demanded an Oreo cookie AFTER eating his bag of junk food! Eating during mass?!?! Parents, yayas, and guardians should do better warning kids what they should do and should not… especially in the house of God! I’m not entirely religious so don’t lecture me on anything you self-righteous freaks, but at least I know how to show some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Okay, I admit sometimes I am tempted to check my phone for messages but okay, at least I’m not bothering my neighbors and my phone is on silent mode! Gimme a break.

As Sunday went on, it wasn’t boring at all. I was all around town buying groceries and doing some errands when I met a friend who happened to describe someone as being neurotic. We were not gossiping, okay! We were just talking about work when a name popped and thus, a description of this person was stated. I asked Noodle Boy later what neurotic really means. Clearly I couldn’t get it out of my head. I’ve read the word so many times, even from people claiming themselves to be such, but I haven’t really called someone “neurotic”. Never in my life really. It sounded funny at first then I realized after deliberating what a neurotic person does, oh what a sad thing it is to be one! OMG.

Still to get a clearer picture of my head what a neurotic really is, Noodle Boy offered to name some more names (of people we know) in addition to that one person that my friend mentioned earlier in the afternoon. Actually, we were only able to come up with two other people we are mutual friends with. Then judging from their lifestyle, their characteristics and personality (who are we to judge!? we are nobody but we needed a concrete example for this study!) and their current statuses in life, I think I know what neurotic really is. ~_~ And all I can say is that it’s such a sad, sad thing.

And speaking of neurotic (speak of the devil!), I almost crossed paths with this one described and tagged as a neurotic person from afar today! We were heading to this person’s direction, but I swear from 20 feet that this was really the person who my friend referred to earlier today, so I turned my heel and walked away. In my mind I was picturing getting sucked into this person’s neurosis like a vortex or worse, a black hole. I couldn’t face it. I wouldn’t even know what to say to this person should our eyes have met. I was consumed with the idea of this person being neurotic so I didn’t want to risk it. Looking back into the experiences I’ve had with this person, light was shed as to why this person has been acting this way (towards me). Also, we met a kin of this person on our way out so it was confirmed that what I saw wasn’t just a figment of my imagination.

I know generally that these people really mean well but I can’t help but choose not to deal with them. We’re not that close anyway and I don’t think I owe these people anything really. There’s nothing I could do to help them or leave any kind of impact in their lives, so I’ve decided to steer clear out of the way. I may sound selfish and mean. Heck, just call me that. I don’t care. I just don’t really want to deal with neurotic people. I’m sorry.

Nevertheless, tonight was spent by me sharing information and teaching someone things that he desperately needed to know. Technology-wise. And I didn’t even charge him for anything. It may be considered an act of charity on my part which is cool with me because sometimes you just have to give back especially to the ones who need your help most. Even though I could have been compensated for it, I didn’t insist.

Having said all that, at the end of this Thirty-Second Sunday in Ordinary Time, I would just like to add that I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out that there isn’t than live my life as if there is no God and die to find out that there is!

Hope you all had a Happy Sunday!

Mortality

Lately I’ve been having bad dreams. Friends say I could be stressed but really I am not. In fact, I’ve been ecstatic lately because of my new toys that’ll be arriving within the week. Should I blame it on the coffee that I’ve been drinking? Or the energy drinks mixed with Fit N Right? I don’t know… but last night I was really hoping to be able to get a good night’s sleep because I got myself drunk. Not pissed drunk but just the right buzz to get me a shut eye.

I guess that did not work either. Because the dreams are now worse… There were dead bodies all over the place and I was running in a frenzy, stepping all over these corpses in my dream (at the same time wondering why I couldn’t smell these decaying bodies) then freaked myself up awake today. *sigh* The other night, I dreamt of my deceased grandma (may she rest in peace!) and in that dream, I was even arguing with myself that she was already dead so how was it possible that I was talking to her!? And the nights before that were also a series of crazy, heart-thumping, adrenaline rushing nightmares.

I also remember the other night I panicked myself to sleep. I was thinking how I should be spending time with my parents because they probably won’t live forever and I should make the most out of our times together. That was a conclusion to my musing about how could we all live in the same house, yet only speak to each other during meals. Because I’m so busy doing this and that, and my parents are also going off somewhere most of the time — my dad hitting the beach or playing golf and my mom off to her madjong sessions. Maybe this scheduled trip to Davao will be good for all of us. A little bonding time once more? Yes, definitely. It’s been a long time.

Then my thoughts also drifted to my Noodle Boy. There are so many stories about falling in love/finding the right person and then someone dies after. The thought makes me scream a little inside. I mean, how can fate be so cruel? I don’t want to suffer that fate… and I’m not sure I can really do anything about that if it was destiny. I don’t want to live a life of play-it-safe all the time and I can’t imagine being a single parent one day. I want to cry just thinking about it. And then… I thought about me dying. I AM NOT READY. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE.

I can’t imagine why people commit suicide. Where do you go from there? After life?

So I pray to God to please stop making me feel so mortal. It really scares me. Now… more than ever. ~_~