December62012

Jiminy Cricket! I have a conscience!

So Santa, please read this. 

Last night while I was dragging my body away from our bed after putting my son to sleep so I can close the store downstairs and check for inventory and sales, I braced myself for the Math that was about to hit me like a tidal wave. Man, I hate calculations. In the midst of my battle with numbers, I was suddenly called outside. I was happy to take a break from all the computing but at the same time annoyed at being disturbed in the middle of my ordeal. It was past midnight and I couldn’t for the life of me think of anyone wanting to see me. It could have been a customer wanting some midnight grub or perhaps it was an emergency (because my booty call days are over so I’m not going to assume that), but who knows? I wasn’t particularly curious but I got up lethargically armed with a folder, some sheets scribbled with figures, and biting my new favorite 15-cent (Php 6.00) pen just because the ink is so dark and it’s leaky just the way I like it. I know it would have been better to have a Glock 22 in hand but I don’t think I have a single violent bone in my body anymore.

Then I saw a familiar face behind the Atis tree that is in front of our house and heard a familiar voice pleading, “Mai, do you have a minute?” Of course, she was speaking in vernacular but I’m translating, so bear with me. “Yes?” I replied, more interrogative than I should have stated. “Lola is in the hospital,” she continued. “OMG, what happened?” It was natural to ask that I suppose so she explained that her grandmother had an asthma attack and was brought to the hospital and she just came from one of our relatives’ house nearby to borrow money but was unsuccessful in her plight. She was holding something wrapped in thick paper and she must have caught me staring at it so she continued to say, “I need $10 (actually, Php 400) to buy medicine. I have this bag with me and I would like to leave this to you so I can borrow some cash. I will pay you back tomorrow when my mom wires me money.” It was only then that I realized what was happening. I don’t know what my mom would have done in situations like these but I’m not her and as much as I try to do some corporal works of mercy, it does not occur to me immediately how to respond to incidences like what was happening. My mom has a huge heart; maybe it comes with her faith, and honestly, I can only do so much.

“Okay, wait for a while. Let me go in and see what I have since I’m still in the middle of counting some money,” I told her and went upstairs to tell my husband about the situation. Of course, I can’t take money from the store’s register so I got the $5 (Php 200) that was in my wallet. It’s a small amount, only half of what she needed, but hey I’m not rich and it was all I have left to spare. Running back downstairs and opening the locked gate to give her the cash, I said, “Please take this. It’s not much but I hope it helps.” I did not say I wanted her to pay me back but I think she understood what I meant and thanked me profusely before walking away and disappearing into the night. Note that I also didn’t accept the bag that she offered to leave behind, perhaps as a collateral.

Minutes later as soon as I was done with my Math ordeal, I was in the bathroom taking a quick shower before hitting the sack and it dawned upon me (because for most people, we all think about life and get epiphanies when we are showering!) that she may have been just pulling my leg. Now I was getting all worked up simultaneously as I worked up a lather to wash my grimy hair. Was she telling the truth about needing money to buy medicine? How much does a pack of shabu cost these days? All these crazy thoughts are now running in my head. Then as I rinsed, I asked myself aloud, “What would Jesus do?” My reverberated voice sent chills down my spine, after all it was well past 1 in the morning. But then I could hear my subconscious answer, “You should have offered to drive her to the pharmacy and take her back to the hospital so she could give the medicine to her Grandma.” By doing so, I can also verify if she was telling me the truth!!! Now, I feel terrible. Not guilty, but I feel so inadequate in my actions.

I told my husband the conversation I had with myself in the bathroom and he consoled me by saying, “At least you did something, you know.” I thought he was going to start cracking some jokes about me talking to myself again. It might not have been the best that I could have done for the person who needed help but damn, I have a conscience! It does appear so and I am inconvenienced now. I told myself I would do better next time and whenever I am faced with moments like these, I think I have a pretty good idea of what I would do then.

Still I am surprised at being able to come up with the correct solution, as far as I am concerned. My mind is so not analytical and I’m telling you that I’m no good at situational judgment tests. Most of the time I leave the decisions to my husband or my mother when I am confronted by circumstances. I have become dependent. Ugh.

Now, for my 2013 New Year’s resolution, I will be better and do better… especially with people. I am going to start putting words into actions and stop being oblivious to my surroundings. My mind tends to drift a lot so I’m thinking I should be more aware of the present. It hurts me to remember how many people have taken advantage of my kindness and generosity in the past (mostly financially) so I guess that is why my faith in humanity has been destroyed a bit. Maybe it’s time to start believing again. But this time, I’m going to use my conscience as a weapon… after all, I think that I do have one and now I fully intend to use it.


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August272012

The only time you really live fully is from thirty to sixty. The young are slaves to dreams; the old servants of regrets. Only the middle-aged have all their five senses in the keeping of their wits.

I haven’t been able to rant or rave about anything in the past months simply because I don’t have the time or energy to write. But I tell you this now, that I haven’t run out of things to say or comments on everything around me.  So in a nutshell, I’m here now to try and convey what are my feelings as of the moment.

First off, since losing some weight I have summoned the shallow anorexic person hiding inside me for months and diverted my attention on how to primp and prettify once more. I’m not afraid of my husband leaving because I don’t look like the person he married anymore but this is more or less about boosting my self-esteem/confidence. I know I haven’t been out or taking narcissistic photos of myself because like I said, the physical changes I went post pregnancy was not exactly a walk in the park. I think it’s alright to focus some of my attention to myself now that my boy is a year old. Of course, being a hot momma is the idea. 

I love my job. Really. There’s nothing in the world I can ask for because working at home for the past 6 years is the best thing *EVER*. In spite of the deadlines I keep missing, I’m still my own boss (well, sort of!) because I get to work on my own pace and I don’t even have to dress up for work. Thus, as you may already know, the reason why I lack fashion sense and don’t even buy my own clothes until now. So while I was grooming my aunts’ eyebrows today, I had the silliest, craziest, wackiest idea. Why don’t I become a makeup artist? I’m a good judge of aesthetics I think and when I turn 50, I won’t look as gruesome as I imagined myself to be when the time comes… since I would have the basic knowledge of masking my true face. HAHAHA! Yes, the vain ME is back! But hey, who doesn’t want to be a groovy hot Grandma? I know that I’d like my grandkids to refer to me as just that! Plus a career in cosmetics won’t really conflict with my existing wonderful and amazing job as a medical transcriptionist. Tee hee. So yeah, I think I’ll pursue this dream. When I can, as soon as I can. There’s also my passion for writing that has been fueled once more with reading random novels in the recent weeks. But of course, that will have to wait and until I’m super financially secure and living in a beach house (or a hut at the very least). I think I’ll write seriously when I’m retired.

And so the husband and I agreed, actually I made him pinky promise and swear to me that we are going to live each day as if it were our last. This was when he asked me to go out with him for a night run the other day. When I was 15, I was feeling prophetic so I told myself and even tried to convince some of my friends that I will only live up to 30. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? I’ll turn 30 in a few months and I still have so much going on for me. And now I have a dear husband and a son to live for! Yes, there’s so much to live for now that I got my own family. That 15-year-old me must have been having a hard time in my adolescence. Tsk tsk tsk. I’m done with my habits and I’m also trying to live a healthy life now, not just for myself but for the two people I love most in the whole wide world. My Noodle Boy and NoodleLito.

And on the subject of age and life, I think this is going to be a pivotal moment. I would like to celebrate my big 3-0 with a bang! As early as now, I think I have an idea which you will find out later on. Maybe in the coming months when I really start preparing for my birthday celebration. Yup, I’m still all about birthdays. And why shouldn’t I? I love parties and birthdays are always a top reason to celebrate. I really don’t get why people who have problems commit suicide or want to end their lives when in fact, it’s really up to YOU to decide on what to do with your life. You want to be miserable, go ahead. But I don’t get why they don’t do something else, like me, who like to stay positive, send good vibes to the world, and believe that come what may, things will always work out for the best, things will happen for a reason, and things that are meant to be will always take place. It may take a lot of will power to think like that when you are desolate, but anyone can do it. Why wallow in misery when you can do the opposite? 

I count myself blessed and thank my lucky stars for this wonderful life I live. It may not be as grand and rich (no yachts nor vacations to Europe) as I hoped it’d be but I am happy. I am happier than I’ve ever been in my 29 years of existence. Turning 30 will definitely not change or sway my belief in destiny or fate. I am probably at my happiest right now. I thank God, the universe, and the people who love me for keeping me sane throughout the years. 

You know what else I’ve discovered? Praying really helps. Not the prayers that you memorize and chant like it’s a litany or something. Countless times I’ve sent a prayer from the heart and they always come true. Not in the exact way I imagine it to happen but in the wonderful unexpected chances that occur later on in my life and I recognize them as the answered prayer. Oh wow. So it really does work. Take it from me.

In retrospect, I feel like I have evolved. When I was a teenager, I acted like one. Hell, I rebeled like one. So now I’m afraid my son is going to turn out just like me! Then in my twenties, I was confused as I can be. An identity crisis? A gender issue? Playing with fire? I was all the incredients rolled into one for the perfect recipe for trouble. I skated on thin ice and had a close shave, took a licking, but it was hot to trot and I lived it up! To say that my life was ordinary is a lie. I had the time of my life and right now, I couldn’t be more thrilled to have settled down and say, “I’ve been there and done that.” All before I turned 30.

I don’t really want to think about the next 30 years of my life. Like I said, I’m going to live each day as if it were my last (hadn’t I been doing that already?). There is just so much to do and one by one, I’m going to start doing the things I’ve got to do. I already did a 600-meter zip line, so maybe a bungee jump is in order? But first, let me go and tell my son about the big bang theory. 

May212012

Girls, the movie house is not a sorority house or a bar.

We may not have the most kick ass movie theatre in my town but it’s the only one that we’ve got right now. So when The Avengers was finally showing and despite my argument of waiting for a Blu-Ray copy to watch, we decided to go on a movie date instead. With no guaranteed seating option, we arrived 30 minutes early and even caught the last part of the movie before the credits rolled and recognizing Thanos grinning menacingly post credits.

My preferred seats were already taken so we had to settle for the ones behind it. We is basically me and Noodle Boy. But we didn’t let the seats ruin the night and get to the movie buffs in us so we just waited until two-thirds into the movie when the guys sitting in our seats stood up to leave. I’m guessing that was the part they came in and didn’t bother to finish the movie anymore obviously because they’ve seen how it ended. Pfft. Seriously, who does that? Okay so maybe they weren’t as passionate about movies as we are. And hello? It’s THE AVENGERS.

Anyway, so were watching the trailers and previews a few minutes before the movie started when a couple of girls came in. The movie house was pretty dark and in my mind, I could picture a couple of college chics doing a girls’ movie/night out. They were giggling and if I should say, pretty darn annoying blabbering and ignoring the fact that people, ahem, like us care about trailers so we would know what to keep an eye on and what to watch for in the coming months. Yes, we watch movies A LOT. 

So back to the monkey chatter I can’t help but overhear, when Noodle Boy nudged me and I looked at him just in time to see him roll his eyes. I gripped his hand (Yup, we still hold hands when watching movies! Jealous?) then bit my lip resisting the urge to yell at the girls to shut them up. This went on for a couple of more annoying minutes that seemed to trigger the onset of a migraine attack. I closed my eyes and opened them as soon as I heard the narration at the beginning of the movie proper. 

Then to my horror, the girls were still yapping! Oh crap! The next thing I knew,  Noodle Boy and I turned at the same time and shushed them… ever so loudly that I think the whole theatre heard it. Satisfied with their immediate silence, I smiled and enjoyed the rest of the movie.

I just don’t understand why some people don’t observe etiquette in movie houses. I mean, come on. Even the realization that it’s dark should automatically mean STOP TALKING! I mean, I do talk to whoever I am with at the movies but at least I make an effort to tone down my decibels. You guys know that I TALK VERY LOUD! :D So yeah, being a ‘shusher' at the movie house is me just politely asking people to shut the hell up already.

You know what, I don’t mean to be a killjoy by shushing you when you’re having such a grand time out with your friends but really, you don’t need people around you to hear whatever it is you are talking about. Like mistaking Thanos for Hellboy. Srsly? Hellboy in outer space? The worse part is, when I finally saw who the girls were, I had to stifle a laugh because they were pretty much older than us and yes, we recognized them. Then Noodle Boy had to say it. “No wonder these girls are still single/unmarried/no husbands.” If you know what I mean. Tee hee. Hellboy, huh!? *snickers* 

So guys, have you shushed someone at the movies, too? Or have you gone ahead and punched someone’s light out instead (which I would have done if I were hungry at that time)? :D

April92012

Oh God Why. The Fat Ass.

There’s so many things missing in my life right now and I have a long list in my head. I don’t know how soon can I start ticking off or crashing out each one to raise my level of happiness. It’s like the longer the list grows, the less happy I become. I am for a fact able to control my happiness by being content with what I have. It’s been a life’s mantra for me that happiness is more or less measured by the contentment you have in life. And I’ve been doing that ever since like forever.

However, when the things missing (needs and wants, more of wants really) happen to make everyday life easier, it becomes a whole new different story for without them, life seems to be more physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging. Okay, let’s talk concrete. Take for example. A computer chair. My 6-year-old computer chair finally decided it was time to retire (maybe because I gained weight and it can’t carry my butt for more than 12 hours anymore!) and one leg broke down which is unfix-able. The dilemma is getting a high quality chair that functions the way it’s supposed to. But I have requirements. Since I am quite heavy now and my back pains are killing me, I need the executive type one with the high back and arm rest and not just your average computer café swivel chair. So we’re looking at more or less 5 grand to be able to cross this off my list. The problem is where do I get 5 grand extra? Without a good chair, my tolerance in sitting in front of the computer has greatly decreased… and I can’t even begin to describe the things I could very well miss out when I’m offline. Me being the cyber child and all.

Ever since having a baby, I have mastered budgeting with the same amount of skill and luck as I can win Monopoly thrice in a row. So, the computer chair doesn’t quite make it to the Essential Things To Buy and therefore, it added to my growing list of Things To Buy Supposedly (TTBS) inside my brain. There’s also the need/want of a portable computer and the luxury of time to get work done and sleep to recharge. My son is turning 8 months old in a few days and the more he’s getting older, the more time he requires of me… so there goes my free time to work on my side-line online jobs, which again bites a big chunk of $$$ I could possibly earn to use in purchasing the TTBS. 

So okay, all that can be put aside really because I can try to work my contentment mantra and mask all those frustrations. What really bugs me big time is the fact that I CANNOT LOSE WEIGHT. They said breastfeeding helps, but no, not in my case. First off, I do not eat healthy. Never have. Never will. Let’s leave it at that.

I kept my size 4 anorexic pre-pregnancy figure with absolutely nothing. By nothing = NO FOOD. Yes, I do not usually pig out before and when I do, I make sure I count calories during the next couple of days that ensue. So my cheat days are usually in check with keeping weight gain very minimal. Of course, I also supplement with high doses of vitamins and antioxidants so I don’t kill myself and allow my body to function normally. But this requires a lot of “magic” which I cannot do while I’m currently breastfeeding. Now, I”m stuck at size 10 (8 during good days) and utterly unhappy about it. That Milking Cow nickname feels quite apt.

The worse part is that the more I think about all these things happening in my life, the more I want to eat. I’m a little depressed you could say that’s why I rebound on consuming more calories than I”m supposed to. How can I possibly expect to shed off pounds when I eat to feel better??? Ayayay. This is not good. THIS IS NOT GOOD.

I’m beginning to think that my WEIGHT is the root of all my troubles. Yes, it’s not MONEY or the lack of it. It’s really me tipping off the scale at slightly <130 lbs. My clothes won’t fit, which greatly annoys me. My body is too damn lazy, which gets on my nerves. And again, back to clothes, because I have nothing to wear. I’m tired of ransacking my mom’s closet for stuff that don’t fit her anymore and live with it for the mean time. No sense buying size 8/10 clothes! I don’t intend to stay this way!

Wearing size 36C bras help but still does no kindness to my back. My posture is suffering as I type this. I do not even relish getting my picture taken because no amount of photoshopping makes it or me look the way I used to. It’s like I’m in someone else’s skin… and it’s really not my size. I refuse to settle into this. Something needs to be done. Question is… WHEN???

I am needing to this off my chest so I’m posting this and hopefully come back in a few months and laugh this all off. For now, I think I’ll wallow my fat ass in extra creamy carbonara or 800mL of Chocolate Truffles. Then maybe get on with some food coma.

December62011
September122011

Monday Blues

And so today was like any other Monday, or so I thought. No work for me since it’s my rest day so I initially planned on sleeping the whole day. However, the exact opposite happened. I barely slept a wink!

I wouldn’t say it’s because Mikko has insisted that I breastfeed him the entire night, as I could easily doze off with him as soon as he shuts his eye. Unfortunately, I was wide awake until the sun rose high today. WTF! You could blame it partly on me browsing the web on the iPad and ingesting everything I could about Micro Four-Thirds. You see, when I get curious, I get really curious… (sans killing of the cat) and I learn. So it’s not all in vain. In fact, I was able to come up with a decision on what camera to buy next.

Which brings us to the beginning of Monday Blues… brought to you by my frustrations. First off, I miss taking pictures. Second, when I look in the mirror, I don’t even want to camwhore anymore. (‘coz I’m fat. blech.) And last but not the least, I’m broke. And I hate being broke this time. Why? Well, I’m running out of happy pills and with all the stress or work things that need to be done when you are raising a child, even time seems to be insufficient. I need more than 24 hours in a day. Should I move to another planet? [Trivia: Did you know that a day in Venus is not 24 hours but 5,832 hours?!? WHOA! That’s like 243 Earth days!!!]

Okay, back to my issues. So I don’t know which is worse. A) Having to cry myself to sleep. B) Having no money to spend on wants. C) Being extremely hungry with nothing to eat, mixed with not wanting to eat at all for fear of gaining weight. D) Wanting to sleep but can’t. E) All of the above. 

You might be thinking right now, “Oh puhleeasse! Those are mundane things you shouldn’t even be stressing yourself with!” But let me tell you this, “FUCK OFF! You’re not in my shoes!” But really, I am really feeling dispirited as of the moment. I just want to go on a vacation. But I can’t even afford to imagine it at the very least because I don’t have the luxury of time to daydream about it and when I do try, I get even more depressed knowing that it will never happen. Not now anyways.

So really, what is my problem? I don’t know. Just the case of the Monday Blues. Either that or I’m getting dehydrated or famished. If this were a desert, I’d be having a mirage by now. Is that an oasis I see? Or is that Liam Gallagher? Tee hee.

Anyways, maybe I should try lying down for a bit and see if I can successfully arrive in SlumberLand just in time to re-energize myself for the work week ahead. Haaiiizzz. Ang buhay… parang life.

June272011

If lying was a job, I know someone who would be a billionaire.

When you can’t be honest, you are just showing you’re inability to be an adult. Just recently, my family faced a rather disturbing incident. Not the kind you want to talk about really because after all, it can be summed up in just a word — BETRAYAL

The worst part is that the person behind all this is someone dear and close to us — someone you wouldn’t think in a million years (okay, maybe 10 years) would ever do such a thing. The lies you hear these days, it’s pathetic really. 

You familiar with the saying, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you”? Well, that is exactly what happened. I couldn’t for the life of me imagine doing anything drastic as to altering the course of my mother’s future by lying to her or more specifically, stealing from her. And not just her, basically from all of us here. Yes, I said stealing. Quite a heavy verb, is it? But can I be anymore blunt than the person who’s face is as thick as his butt?

I am not mad. I am really quite sad. How can one trade friendship for money? I thought it happens in movies only. But alas, there is a still a breed of people (or pigs?) that roam this Earth taking advantage of other people’s kindness. These unprincipled resourceful persons (aka opportunistic people) ought to be hanged or skinned alive to death. Nevertheless, I do believe in KARMA and am letting nature take its course. An eye for an eye, eh?

I guess it’s pretty much like the story of the old woman and the snake. Something that goes like this: 

An old woman was walking down the road when she saw a gang of thugs beating a poisonous snake. She screamed at the thugs and rescued the snake, taking it back to her home where she nursed it back to health.

One day on their way into town, the woman picked up the snake and he bit her repeatedly. “Oh God,” she screamed, “I am dying. I am dying!” She turned to the snake and looked it in the eyes. “I saved your life. I was your friend. I trusted you. Why did you bite me?”

The snake turned to face her as she drew he final breath and hissed, “What did you expect? You knew I was a snake when you took me home.”

It’s a rather befitting story to this uncanny and unfortunate event that has happened in the family. There are snakes even in places you’d never suspect. Like maybe right under your nose!

The worse part is when being confronted, this snake replied, "Hay labi manulis ko sa uban tawo?" As if that’s consoling??? I mean, seriously. No regrets and no remorse for what he did. Even trying to justify that he is not paid enough. Uh, hello? What are your qualifications to be paid more than you need to be? Do you have an MBA? What have you done to deserve a raise? Did you save anyone from drowning? And most importantly, are you even treated as an employee or are you being treated as part of the family?

Who works for half a day but paid for a full day’s work? Who gets paid even when a total no-show at work? Who gets paid vacations all the time? Who gets cash advances so easily and get loans WITHOUT interest? Who eats with us at the family table during lunch and gets gas and transportation for free? Who is being treated more like a son than a secretary? Who does this ungrateful pig think he is?

Familiarity does breed contempt, doesn’t it? I feel bad for everyone. For my parents. For myself. For my family. Even for the pig.

Stealing is never a solution. Falsification is not good. Estafa is a crime. Being lied to is bad but the fact that you’re stupid enough to believe it is even worse. Trust lost is hard to get back. Don’t expect to be believed. 

Now tell me… bitaw, naa paba kaha kay nawng ika atubang after all is said and done?

January242011

Disintegrating Relationships. Whatever happened to happily ever after?

After watching Blue Valentine, which I suggest you also do if you care enough about keeping relationships intact, I really have to say that the movie got me riveted. Although on a personal level, I cannot relate to the characters (thank God!) but I’ve seen many friends and loved ones go through disintegrating marriages lately. It’s not a pretty sight and if only I could do something about it.

A few days ago, Archie was telling me that had he listened to his dad about getting married at an early age (by that he meant his early 20s), he announced that by now his marriage has probably come to an end. I couldn’t help but agree because if I also had gotten hitched while I was at the height of my youth (by that I also mean my early 20s), then by now I’d probably be divorced or gotten my marriage annulled, and be a few hundred thousands poorer no thanks to having a “bonggacious” wedding and subsequently filing for an annulment. With maybe even a kid in tow…

But again, thank God, I’ve lived my life differently, just the way I wanted it to be.

So now I’m wondering why so many people are falling out of love and ending their marriages so soon? Whatever happened to happily ever after and til death do us part? I know you guys who are going through this are probably saying what do I know, right? Well, here’s what I DO know. I know that you made that vow to love each other in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse… TO THE DEATH. Or do you need to watch your wedding videos or flip through your wedding albums to remind yourselves that? But really, why are you giving up on your marriages? Sorry but I really cannot see any VALID reason why. Convince me.

I made a promise to myself in the recent years that when I love, I will refuse to let it die. And I even made this vow without tying a knot with someone. So how come married people are now suddenly deciding that they are so much better being single once more. WHAT THE FUCK, guys? Seriously. You shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place! You had a choice. You chose to get married, right? No one forced you to. Unless of course, you convinced yourself to do it because you needed security or you needed to save your face from getting knocked up and needing someone to father your kid. Puhleeaaase.

I mean, look at Brangelina. How many kids do they have? Are they married? See, you don’t have to make babies an excuse to get married. I really don’t know why people do that. Sometimes I make that joke when people ask, "When are you getting married?" I say, "ASAP. As soon as pregnant." LOL!

I even know girls who married guys who aren’t even the fathers of their kids… just because they HAD TO be married and give the baby a last name. It’s disgusting. I also know girls who chose to keep their babies but did not get married… and I have high respect for them. At least they made a choice to be single moms and answered their responsibility. That’s more like it than marrying somebody because you got knocked up. It’s weird. Aren’t you supposed to get married because you love the guy you wanna be married to and you can’t live without him? I see no other reason why people should get married. Especially not because you’re pregnant. And all the more reason when you still want to do so many things with your life and are not ready to settle down! Because in the end, you’ll probably turn into a desperate housewife.

The reason why I am not married is different. It may be shallow but it’s a choice I’m making. I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with — *ahem* — Noodle Boy, are you there? But the only thing that’s holding me back is that I’m not ready to leave the comfort of my own home… for my own good. So in other words, I don’t care if you call me ridiculous or just plain selfish but hey, I’m not ready to suffer. I am comfortable where I am and I like to keep it that way. Unless Noodle Boy and I win ten million bucks then perhaps I’d be very comfortable living a life of our own. Otherwise, I would like to take things one at a time, build our fortune first, before jumping into that whole settling down point. I’m being REALISTIC here. It’s the most practical thing to do IMHO.

Every time people mention marriage to me and why I’m not yet there, all I see are the electric bills, the telephone and internet bills, the groceries, the maids’ wages, the laundry, the car maintenance, and the list goes on. I shudder at the thought. Yes, I am immature… but at least I’m mature enough not to be diving into waters that I cannot fathom. You dig? I’m safe at the beach and I don’t get jellyfish stings where I am.

What about maternal instincts? Don’t I want kids of my own? Yes, I do. Who doesn’t? But right now? Well, I don’t want to bring a kid into the world and not be able to give him or her the kind of life that I was privileged with. Let’s face it. I can barely survive on my own, how much more with another life to think about? Once I had this pet rabbit and I told myself if I can take care of this rabbit and he lives, I’ll be able to raise a child. Alas, the rabbit died. So go figure.

But if God will give me a kid even though I’m not ready yet, then I guess it’s time to move on. Hey, I can always change the way I live my life. It may not be the way I wanted it to be then, but if I had given God the pen to write my love story, then He has every right to continue directing my life. :) I have no objections to His Will. But as long as I can control how I live my life, then I try hard to live it the way I want it. Without hurting anyone or stepping on somebody’s shoes, and also giving love unconditionally. Because that’s what I think how we should all live our lives.

Abrupt end of rant.

December202010

Dreams… are made of???

Last nyt I dreamt I was cooking food. It looked something like arroz con pollo but I called it Terracotta. WTF! Terracotta is so not edible. And mind you, it had nothing to do with “terracotta pie”… If ya know what I’m talking about ;)

In other dreams, was also in a village with a bunch of high school kids who devised a plan that was so evil, they ended up killing everyone. Ok wait, it wasn’t gory at first. Here let me explain… The village was perfect. Think Stamford, CT. No crime, no nothing. The kids wanted to raise money. They hatched a plan to dress up as beggars and beg money. Think Slumdog millionaire. The rich people of course felt sorry for the kids and gave them money… Somehow in the end it got twisted and involved a bishop. WTF right?

It got all gory after I attended a wedding, supposedly that was doomed to last only 7 yrs because the groom failed to answer the bride’s Q. She asked him, “Are you still gonna love me if I grow fat and all after 7 yrs!?” He didn’t reply to that question… but only said “I love you”. Fast forward… She cut him open. As in sliced his chest. His innards came out and stuff.. The girl took out the internal organs and the killing spree began.

Somehow also in the dream my friend John, the magician, was asking if we should get our report cards. We’re not even classmates or schoolmates! And my arch nemesis (yes, that word) from school was now so skinny and elegant she looked nothing like the whale she actually resembles now.

Can I just go back to sleep but dream of that MacBook air? ~_~ Now I need to borrow a lappie again to finish uploading those videos for work.

December112010

I don’t want to be a murderer.

Here’s the thing… Raise your hand if you know someone who’s only alive because you don’t want to go to jail for killing them. Tee hee. Well, you get the picture, right? Even if you want to make the world a better place, you still have to consider that murder gives you XX years in jail.

But do you know that each one of us have committed murder in one way or another?

HA! Betcha most of you didn’t know that!

Let me ask you this… Have you ever hated anyone? Have you ever been so mad at someone that you couldn’t stop yourself from saying, “I hate you!” out loud and even felt like you meant every word of it? Well, you’re not alone. I, for one, am guilty of this. Recently, I threw a fit of rage or what is more commonly termed as a tantrum.  I remember the last time I had one of those was over 6 months ago.

Of course, the anger subsided and I was back to my bubbly old self again until I came across the biblical passage of John 3:15 which states, “Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer.” Not just your literal brother, okay? It could be your boss, your mother, your boyfriend, or that kid who annoys you all the time… well, it could be anyone really.

Truly if it were the case, then I am guilty as ever. But I do know that there are also countless of these kinds of murderers among us. When you speak ill of someone, aren’t you being a murderer, too? Apparently, murder is a sin and it goes without saying, when you sin then you are bound for hell. Eeeeek! I don’t want to go there! FML!

So what am I supposed to do if ever that situation arises once more? What if someone gets on my nerves again? I’m not perfect and I know as much as I try not to commit the same mistakes, sometimes, well, shit happens.

And then what? I DON’T WANT TO BE A MURDERER. What about you?

Actually, since my rumination about this a week or two ago, I have come to conclude of two things that can really be done with no amount of anger management needed:

1) As Paul (you know, the apostle) clearly shared with us… He said something in one of his letters that we should not be overcome by evil but instead we ought to overcome evil with good. Sounds easier said than done right? Well, I thought about it for a little while and in fact, this bit was written together with his message about revenge being God’s and not ours. Hmm…

So I guess there’s more to it than just a saying. The Bible actually didn’t instruct us to like everyone. I mean, really now… but it sends us a clear message that we should LOVE our brothers/neighbors. OMG. How can you possibly love someone who’s got guts you simply hate? Again, it boils down to a choice. You can choose to be angry. Or you can choose to forgive. Bottomline: God forgives. Jesus forgives. Why can’t us mere mortals do the same? In the back of my mind I thought, “Because we’re not either God or Jesus? Or because we’re just humans?” Then I stopped being a wise ass and just focused on one command, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself."

Bull’s eye. God knows how much I love myself. Maybe I should put all this vanity to good use… Share the love. To make the long story short. Whenever I start to get mad now, I don’t go through all those reasoning I just summed up above but just quietly ask myself, “Where is the love?” Then I breathe deeply and count to 10.

2) In relation to what I wrote earlier, I found out that the other thing that is most sensible to do (although I sometimes feel this should be No. 1 instead of 2) when I find myself fuming and consumed with hate, I pray. Who cares if I’m not entirely religious? Do prayers come with priority numbers or do they give the pious ones VIP passes to God? I’m pretty sure if I say a prayer with all my heart, God will hear it. It may not be answered ASAP, but if you just believe and do not underestimate the power of prayers, then you’re all set and good to go.

"Dear Lord, please give me patience… because if you give me strength, I just might strangle someone."

See? Sometimes even a little humor does the trick.

But in the end, I just don’t want to be a murderer. And neither should any of you.

Can you imagine a world with no hate? I think only then can world peace exist. And by then, I think it will be another evolution of civilization or the human race. But for sure, I don’t think I’ll live long enough to see that. So I’m better off focusing on the NOW and saving my soul from the fires of hell.

Then again, if I truly want to be the change I want to see in the world… then I think I’m heading in the right direction. Wanna come with me? :)

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